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Our Worst Movies Of 2013
By: MattInRC
For every parade of elephants and giraffes that are 2013's top films, there's the janitors who cleanup behind them. Yes, the worst films of the year have brought up the rear, filling our lives with their uselessness and begging the question of why we bothered with them in the first place. These projects might have seemed like good ideas in their infancy but got horribly lost in production, and some of them were probably spoiled from the start, doomed to walk the Earth until the Ghost of Roger Ebert exorcised them to the next realm.
To be fair, our index of infamy is based on our own personal standards for taste or interest. We also looked at major Hollywood releases, not those which were shot by independent companies. If A-listers made and distributed it, we considered it. Click on the movie title above each synopsis to read our full review. Films that just missed the cut due to scheduling conflicts (thank you Hollywood for scheduling multiple screenings on the same night) included some real winners like After Earth, Smurfs 2, Movie 43, Last Stand, Parker, and RIPD, most of which have occupied a 'Who's Wanted' of the worst of the year. Had we been forced to attend those screenings, our list would have been considerably longer, and our gray hairs immeasurably more pronounced. Here now, we present the unflushed toilet that are the worst films of 2013. Get your barf bags ready:
10. You're Next (Dir. Adam Wingard)
Plot: When the Davison family comes under attack during their wedding anniversary getaway, the gang of mysterious killers soon learns that one of victims harbors a secret talent for fighting back. (via IMDB).
Why We Hate It: Poorly acted and actually left rotting on the shelf since 2011, You're Next was crap from the moment the theater lights dimmed. This ridiculous slasher film doesn't even show up on BoxOfficeMojo, telling us that it suffered such a quick end that our friends didn't even have time to track it. You're advised to follow suit.
9. Grudge Match (Dir. Peter Segal)
Plot: A pair of aging boxing rivals are coaxed out of retirement to fight one final bout -- 30 years after their last match. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Oh, Sylvester Stallone, where have you gone? You made very decent Escape Plan, only to have bookended the dull Bullet to the Head and this version of clay pigeons. There was so little to like here, from the poor casting of Stallone and DeNiro, to the implausible storyline that we might have forgotten the worst performance of the year in Kim Basinger, who seems to be sleepwalking through her lines. Mr. Stallone, we loved you 20 years ago, but it's time to hang it the gloves and your career. Grudge Match is plain awful.
8. The Place beyond the Pines (Dir. Derek Cianfrance)
Plot: A motorcycle stunt rider turns to robbing banks as a way to provide for his lover and their newborn child, a decision that puts him on a collision course with an ambitious rookie cop navigating a department ruled by a corrupt detective. (via IMDB)
As dull a 2 hour-10 minute film can be, Place actually had some Oscar buzz going before audiences were lulled to sleep by Cianfrance's direction and writing. Even great actors like Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling can make bad films, and both laid a big one here. And while it did make a profit, I'm sure many audiences were unhappy they made the decision to see it. It's not even worthy on Netflix, so do your best to ignore it and let this thing die an honorable death.
7. The Big Wedding (Dir. Justin Zackman)
Plot: A long-divorced couple fakes being married as their family unites for a wedding. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Another DeNiro crapfest, Wedding sported a stellar cast from Katherine Heigl to Amanda Seyfried. But, Zackham couldn't keep the borefest from coming off the rails, filling the caboose with characters that no one cared about, and situations that would have been funny back in 1990. You could literally feel the air being sucked out of the theater as this one arrived DOA. It might be funny on a rainy day after you've consumed a bottle of wine, but we wouldn't recommend you try.
6. Promised Land (Dir. Gus Van Sant)
Plot: A salesman for a natural gas company experiences life-changing events after arriving in a small town, where his corporation wants to tap into the available resources. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: In deference to my wife - who liked the film's message - she's dead wrong. Land is short on facts and dull in its delivery, sacrificing great talent to tell a limp story by Writers John Krasinski and Matt Damon (yes, THAT Matt Damon). Land tried desperately to be important, opening our eyes to the genuine problem of fracking, but it's so hard to get through that one keeps looking at their watch, hoping this soapbox would just get to the point.
5. Grown Ups 2 (Dir. Denis Dugan)
Plot: After moving his family back to his hometown to be with his friends and their kids, Lenny finds out that between old bullies, new bullies, schizo bus drivers, drunk cops on skis, and 400 costumed party crashers sometimes crazy follows you. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Actors Adam Sandler, Kevin Kevin James, and Chris Rock have made zero good films between them since 1999. Readers of SJF know of our hatred for Sandler, but there's so much awful about this one that we can't recommend it even on a day when you've watched everything else and your DVR is empty. At that point, we recommend a good book rather than this piece. By the way, that one good 1999 movie was Dogma, and Rock was terrific as the black Jesus. No, I'm not kidding.
4. Blue Jasmine (Dir. Woody Allen)
Plot: A New York socialite, deeply troubled and in denial, arrives in San Francisco to impose upon her sister. She looks a million, but isn't bringing money, peace, or love... (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Speaking of people we hate, Woody Allen ranks right at the top - overrated doesn't come close to how we feel about him, and his deathtrap of a film starring the incomparable Cate Blanchet was such an uncomfortable waste of talent. The story of a woman going slowly mad was poorly conceived and executed, adding to Allen's lazy-days style of film-making and a general feeling of malaise. Who knows if such a mixture made money, but we order you to stay away from it, lest one finds themselves talking to oneself about why they too a chance on this awful flick.
3. Admission (Dir. Paul Weitz)
Plot: A Princeton admissions officer who is up for a major promotion takes a professional risk after she meets a college-bound alternative school kid who just might be the son she gave up years ago in a secret adoption. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: We like Tina Fey. We like Paul Rudd. We hated Admission. A story that goes nowhere, in which a stuff admissions officer torpedos her own career to help a person who ends up not being her long-lost son is stupid and tedious from the start. We can't even recommend putting it on as background noise as you vacuum the floor. How Weitz or our actors ever thought this was good idea must have been heavily drinking during the pitch. Yikes.
2. Identity Thief (Dir. Seth Gordon)
Plot: Mild-mannered businessman Sandy Patterson travels from Denver to Florida to confront the deceptively harmless-looking woman who has been living it up after stealing Sandy's identity. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: We dislike how Actor Melissa McCarthy is being pigeon-holed into unlikable and ugly fat roles (or is it 'rolls') - there we said it. How many more films can she make where's she basically playing the same character? Jason Bateman is unfunny as the latest victim in McCarthy's identity theft plot, and the storyline of redemption is implausible to say the least. Sure it made a huge profit for Universal, but that isn't saying much. If anyone wants my evaluation copy of it on Blu-ray, let me know so I can send it away. And fast.
1. Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III (Dir. Roman Copola)
Plot: A graphic designer's enviable life slides into despair when his girlfriend breaks up with him. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Charlie Sheen still thinks he has value, but since his blow up on Two and Half Men, the actor has clearly lost his place...and his mind. The film set in the 70's features a cast of cameos including the gorgeous Mary Elizabeth Winstead. But not even her hot stewardess uniform could save this beast from dropping a huge load on the theatrical ground for our custodians to clean up. The film made a wopping $43,000 in its release, but it's amazing to me that it even made that much. Save the stewardess scene, there's literally nothing of worth or mention occurring in this film. It's a good example of an actor desperate to create under any circumstances, only to find his loss of credibility is worse than ever thought.
There you have it: the worst of the worst for 2013. Having revisited them, I feel like I need a shower. In the meantime, what were your worst films of the year? Comment below!
Discuss this article with fellow SJF fans on Facebook. On Twitter, follow us at @SandwichJFilms, and follow author Matt Cummings at @mfc90125.
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