To be clear, we determined our list based on our own personal standards for taste or interest. We also looked at major Hollywood releases, not those which were shot by independent companies. If A-listers made and distributed it, we considered it. Click on the movie title above each synopsis to read our full review. Films that just missed the cut included The Possession, Parental Guidance, and Paranormal Activity 4. Other films, such as Silent Hill: Revelation 3D, Here Comes the Boom, and Guilt Trip were intentionally skipped because they were either not included in our screening schedule or conflicted with other events. Had we been forced to attend those screenings, our list would have been considerably longer, and our gray hairs immeasurably more pronounced.
While it pains us to show them, here's our list for the Worst Movies of 2012. May their names never be spoken again:
10. Seeking A Friend for The End of the World (Dir. Lorene Scafaria)
Plot: As an asteroid nears Earth, a man finds himself alone after his wife leaves in a panic. He decides to take a road trip to reunite with his high school sweetheart. Accompanying him is a neighbor who inadvertently puts a wrench in his plan. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: If there was ever anything more boring than watching slideshows of someone's travel to Europe, Friend would have a good chance of competing. With a budget of just $10 million, Steve Carell and Keira Knightley had zero chemistry, and the story by Safaria was DOA. You know a film is bad when a major website in charge of keeping performance numbers for all Hollywood films ended their tracking just two weeks after its release. By film's end, you just wanted everyone to die from the asteroid collision so you can move on from the experience. And that's not the worst thing we heard about it during our screening.
9. Dark Shadows (Dir. Tim Burton)
Plot: An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Why is it that Johnny Depp seems so content to play the same character in nearly every film in which he and Burton are attached? Ever since Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, we've seen several mailed-in performances from the actor, and his most recent collaboration with Burton is flat, dull, and missing any ounce of memorable humor. The only redeemable factor is Eva Green, whose sexy appeal and lace-up boots provide the only relief from what was a terrible film. With a production budget of $150 million and a box office haul just over $78 million, Dark Shadows failed to resonate with moviegoers who have also seemed to tire of the same shtick from Depp and Burton. Given the poor showings of Alice in Wonderland, Factory, and now Shadows, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate the relationship?
8. John Carter (Dir. Andrew Stanton)
Plot: Transplanted to Mars, a Civil War vet discovers a lush planet inhabited by 12-foot tall barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter a princess who is in desperate need of a savior. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: John Carter is a perfect example of how sometimes Hollywood is completely out of touch with consumers. Ladled with a big production budget ($250 million), the film was poorly marketed by failing to reach its core audience (which we're still not sure who that was), and was based on a classic novel that no one knew. Its box office performance was less than a third of its budget, representing one of the biggest financial flops of all time. Actor Taylor Kitsch failed to keep audience attention, although he spent most of the film shirtless. The beautiful Lynn Collins was nice to look at, but with an altered story that included a giant fast slobbering dog, no one was going to help this picture. When dramatic scenes meant to inspire awe lead instead to audience laughter, you know you have a dud on your hands. If that was John Carter's intent, then mission accomplished.
7. What To Expect When You're Expecting (Dir. Kirk Jones)
Plot: A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn't always deliver what's expected. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Ensemble films are difficult horses to manage: directors and writers have to find equal places for each star to have their time, but also be wary of runtime and audience buy-in. What to Expect did none of these particularly well, choosing cuteness and raunchy gags over any semblance of a connected narrative. Elizabeth Banks supplies the only memorable comedy as an expecting mother who gets more than she bargained for during her pregnancy. Our male actors such as Chris Rock (HUH?) feel wildly out of place, making us wonder how he ever became attached to such a dubious project. Maybe it's because I don't have children, but Shauna Cross's screenplay stumbles out of the gate and never gains enough traction. The film made back its $40 million budget, but that shouldn't be any indication of its success.
6. Battleship (Dir. Peter Berg)
Plot: A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals.(via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Actor Taylor Kitsch starred in two of the biggest bombs of 2012, including this fiasco. With a staggering $209 million budget, Battleship only took in $65 million, with Director Berg surrounding Kitsch with poor talent, including the worst casting of the year in Rihanna. While Transformers had a loyal following prior to its release, the only fans of Battleship were those kids from the 70's who liked placing red markers onto plastic ships because we had nothing else better to do. Writers Jon and Erich Hoeber create a world filled with water-based versions of transformers and alien soldiers who look just like Master Chief from Halo, and served up scenes that tried to look like Top Gun but fell completely on its face. Abandon ship!
See who has the worst film of the year after the Jump...
5. Five Year Engagement (Dir. Nicholas Stoller)
Plot: One year after meeting, Tom proposes to his girlfriend, Violet, but unexpected events keep tripping them up as they look to walk down the aisle together. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Talk about dull - writers Jason Segal and Nicholas Stoller craft a film that's hard to sit through. Filled with too many awkward and unfunny moments, test audiences responded by leaving the theater and spreading plenty of bad publicity about the film. Based on its paltry $28 million performance (budgeted at $30 million), it sounds like prospective moviegoers followed their lead. Not even Segal and Emily Blunt felt right together - as the film fast-forwards five years and Segal emergences from a tent sporting a beard and weighing 50 pounds heavier, we realize that this 124-minute monstrosity is sucking us down with it. Yikes.
4. Cloud Atlas (Dirs. Tom Tykwer and Andy Wachowski)
Plot: An exploration of how the actions of individual lives impact one another in the past, present and future, as one soul is shaped from a killer into a hero, and an act of kindness ripples across centuries to inspire a revolution.(via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: This unbelievably bad effort is so awful I don't know where to start. Actors Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and Hugh Grant do their best with David Mitchell's novel which was sculpted into a screenpplay by Lana Wachowski (formerly Larry); but at 172 minutes it's more long-winded than my reviews. Filled with too much time travel and muttered futuristic dialogue, Cloud Atlas made us want to stand up, shake the screen, and shout "Have you no mercy!" The Wachowskis have kept their budget a secret, but its $28 million box office tells it all: Cloud Atlas is terrible.
3. The Cabin in the Woods (Dir. Drew Goddard)
Plot: Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: Before we loved Whedon for his masterful The Avengers, he was just another Hollywood hack who couldn't get a film released, even as a writer. Having sat on the shelf for two years, The Cabin in the Woods was only released based on the enormous buzz surrounding The Avengers. We can see why: a bore-fest from the start and filled with poor talent surrounding Chris Hemsworth in his debut, Cabin was predictable and poorly executed. Granted, some audiences didn't 'get' the silliness inherent in the script, but it also helps when you create something that people can relate to. Cabin failed miserably in that regard. But much like a golfing mulligan, we're ready to give Whedon a 'pass' for Cabin. Don't screw this up again, dude!
2. American Reunion (Dirs. Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg)
Plot: Jim, Michelle, Stifler, and their friends reunite in East Great Falls, Michigan for their high school reunion. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: It's amazing to me that the horrible American Reunion actually made a $6 million profit; the thought of even one person wasting their money on this POS might suggest they were forced to attend after losing mean-spirited bets. There is literally nothing of worth or mention occurring in this film, except that we're supposed to love the 'growth' of these once childish characters who now deal with problems surrounding family and marriage. Why you would need two directors for a project this unappealing is beyond me. Actors Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan are unfunny in their returning roles, and Seann William Scott's once highly-effective comedic shtick has been done better since the last time he played Stifler. The script by Schlossberg and Jon Hurwitz feels like true Hollywood sellout, content to cash in on past success by offering nothing inventive along the way. To any of you who actually paid money to see it, I think you should demand a refund.
1. That's My Boy (Dir. Sean Anders)
Plot: While in his teens, Donny fathered a son, Todd, and raised him as a single parent up until Todd's 18th birthday. Now, after not seeing each other for years, Todd's world comes crashing down when Donny resurfaces just before Todd's wedding. (via IMDB)
Why We Hate It: If you read my initial review, you know how much I hated this movie; and while I realize that the word 'hate' is strong, it entirely fits this film. Utterly lacking in any sort of socially-redeeming value, and one of the only films I could ever attach the word 'excrement' to, Boy hits the skids early with typical Adam Sandler low-brow humor (teens having sex behind a high school play) and goes down from there (sex with grandmothers). When the climax of the film features Andy Samberg realizing that his fiancee Leighton Meester has been engaged in a long-term relationship with her brother, you know you're in the middle of Hell. How writer David Caspe and Sandler got anyone to finance, let alone distribute it will be one of the great and long-standing Hollywood mysteries. That's My Boy is truly one of the worst films of all time, and takes our Number 1 spot by a clear margin.
There you have it: the worst of the worst for 2012. Having revisited them, I feel like I need a shower.
In the meantime, what were your worst films of the year?
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